Sunday, January 3, 2010

Feeling (not) Groovey

Not sure why the blue funk has hit me today. I would like to say it is because it is my last day of Christmas Holidays - gotta go to school tomorrow. But that would just mean that I was not being quite honest with myself.

I am pretty sure it is what happened at church and Sunday School. The early service in and of itself was just fine. Scout got to acolyte for the first time. He even had to do communion. So it was not the service, I think it was Sunday school. And I don't even think it was the topic of the lesson. It was the off topic.

Sunday school lessons always go off topic at some point. Not to worldly things but to just another point of Christianity. Our lesson was on how to make love last. It was mostly situated on couples and married life. Love with respect, love with understanding, and a Christ like love. I have no clue how we got to the off topic deep discussion, but it came just the same.

Now, here is where Strike gets vague. I can't tell you what the topic is. That is too much about me and I don't do that here. This blog is my anonymous outlet. But for the past 20 months I have been dealing with some heavy crap. H-E-A-V-Y ! If anyone reads this and knows me then you know what I speak of.

Now, back to present. Today was the 1st time that our family has been to church in possibly 9 months. I have been angry, sad, distraught, lost, and in hinding. Scout's acolyting duties are what forced us to church and so I thought with a new year, and all my resolution making of being over it that I could start putting my over-itness into practice. And guess what - I sucked. I failed and I feel it. Deep down in my soul.

The Sunday School off topic could have been someone basically just using my problem in detail and discussing it. I chimed in a little. Just wanting to agree, but ended up crying. I tried not to, but I did. And I am still crying now as I type. I am angry with myself for being weak, and not being a big girl.

Why did it have to be this topic - Why! Why did God place that there in front of me today - Why! Why could I not hold it together - Why! Why does God not give me any reasons - Why! What did I do to deserve this? I tried to stop it. I played the bad guy in the family to stop it. Does God want to torture me? If he wants me to learn something, then can't he send me a letter and make it all plain as day and just say hey, I think you need to work on this!

Oh, the pain I feel. Hearthbreaking agony.

Sorry, this is such a sad, sorrowful post. I can't help it. I just had to get it out and no one else listens.

I promise that tomorrow will be a better topic. You can still make of this what you want. Insane ramblings of a lost soul. A cry for help. Pathetic-ness on a never before seen level. It's all there.

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